Sunday, August 26, 2012


So, I left everyone hangin after we found the letter in our mail box from bio mom of our little sibling set....
Since that event took us both totally off guard, we realized we needed to make a plan of action. This plan would not be popular with the dept., but it was a plan we came to after much thought, and prayer.
I called a meeting with the dept. I asked how our info. could have gotten out to them. Noone had a clue. We had no clue. Our CASA/GAL has moved away, so I wasn't sure if she could have given it out, but didn't think so. At the meeting I shared our plan. Our fs has been legally free since infancy when his parents relinquished him to his aunt for adoption, which didn't work out because he actually was given back to his bio parents by her (the dept. didn't know this until we got him). His sister has been with us since birth and these parents just lost their rights in Feb. of this year. So, both of them are legally free. We wanted to adopt them together, and have been waiting to do this, but both parents have appealed the termination of their rights on our fd. We had a lot to consider. Do we just go ahead and adopt him, and wait out the two years for his sisters adoption? Since fs was with the bio parents for 3 years, mom is very attached, and it has been very difficult for her these past 9 months. Do we offer visitations to parents who have been so deceitful with the system? What's in the best interest of these two precious children we have in our home who call us mommy and daddy? The dept. felt these parents do not deserve visits after we adopt them, due to the fact that, number one, they lost their rights. Number two, they did nothing to work their plan to get their children back, legally.  Number three, based on their behavior in court, they did not feel these parents would be good for these children. We took their advice, that is, up until the letter landed in our mail box. I know this mom is hurting. She loved her son, but chose to do things the wrong way. Her choices have landed her where she would never have the chance to see either of them again. For some reason she was unable to do what was necessary to get her children back. The letter was her last desperate attempt to reach out and find a way to see him, even if, it was just once more (in her words).

I have read some studies that talk about adopteess and birth parents. I know that in many cases the outcome is much better if the adoptee just has some info and just knows something about who their birth  parents were, no matter who they are and how they live. They just need to know. Two of my adult friends also believe knowing who their birth parents were as a child would have been a very positive thing for them growing up.  We considered this. It made sense. The dept. could only offer to help us get a restraining order. Well, that didn't make sense to me at this point. These parents aren't threatening us. It's just a mom that has made some poor choices who desperately misses her son. I know this for sure.

So, back to the meeting with the dept. I shared that the game plan has now changed. We could no longer follow their recommendation. These parents know who we are and exactly where we live. We don't want to always be wondering if they are driving by, stalking the house, or looking for the kids. We also think that in the long run, it really will be in the best interest for them to know who their birth parents are. So, we decided to offer a once a year visit, that will be written up by our attorney on a legal document. The dept. agreed that our decision will be okay. The next step was for me to call bio mom on the phone number she provided in the letter. I was to explain to her what we had decided to offer, but the deal is that in order for her to get a visit, we have to get both of their adoptions finalized and we can only do this if they both drop their appeals. I was also going to ask her straight out how she got our names and address.  I put it off, but finally picked up the phone and called her the other day...and she be continued.


Aspiring Foster Mama said...

Can't wait to hear the rest!!

Anonymous said...

It's harder and harder to keep info like this confidential anymore, and with Facebook, anyone can find out info on you. Our one daughter we adopted from fostercare has parents that live in the city 50 miles from us, where we go for appointments and shopping. I worried about running into the parents for years, and still don't know what I would do if that ever happened. It's always a concern that the bio parents for our foster children will locate our home or harass us. Others in our area have had bio parents get a hold of their phone# or location and they get threatening calls from the bio parents. One even got a call from a bio dad AFTER he got his kids back, and he was calling to offer up the kids to these foster parents for money!
I agree with the decision you and your hubby have made on setting up an open adoption- I believe they are in the best interest of the children in most cases. It settles the questions in the minds of the parents and the children, and prevents the bio parents from becoming larger than life and perfect in the children's eyes as well. Best of luck with this new approach- I'll be anxious to hear how it goes!
Who currently has 2 bio kids, 2 adopted kids and 2 foster children in our home, and 4 older bio kids that are out of the house. Have fostered for over 10 years.

L~ said... are kill'n me girl! :)
Tough situation, hang in there!


nicole said... ;-)

Abbey said...

no fair!!!